Saturday, February 28, 2015
Book Blitz: #FireDownBelow by Debra Anastasia
Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.
Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.
How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.
Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.
I was going to say that this book should come with a warning but it already does, not just from Debra but from lots of other authors and bloggers too.
This book was like reading Debra's twitter feed in book form. Seriously, if you follow Debra on social media you will already be semi- prepared for the ride that this story will take you on, if you don't follow her then you are well and truly going to wonder what the hell is going on!
No subject or orifice is off limits in this crazy story that will have you laughing so much you will pee your pants and also possibly have you on the verge of sharting. I am not kidding so be warned.
Okay so we have the lovely Dove. She works at the local park, looking after one of the children's rides. In her apartment building is a guy called Duke who she is kind of friends with, by default - he leaves his door open so she can't avoid walking it every day and seeing him. Also residing in this building are the Anastasia's. Yep you read this correctly, Debra not only wrote this book but she is in the story too.
And lastly there is Johnson. He is the new pharmacist down at Save Mart who seems to speak quite loudly to the customers filling their prescriptions, he has no idea that he is completely humiliating them about their various health issues. So when Dove goes in to get some cream for down below she is horrified to see that there is a new pharmacist, he is a man and he is gorgeous. Now the whole shop full of customers are about to be enlightened to her condition.
I'm not going to say any more about the story because you have to read it to believe it. There are so many inappropriate and hilarious moments in this book that I had to take a break just to breathe and empty my bladder. This is one hell of a ride and you will finish with a sense of "WTF did I just read?"
Honestly, if you are looking for something completely different and bodily functions don't freak you out then read this. Oh there are quite a few cats too!
I give this outrageous story 4 stars
Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter cream. Please world, end. Kill me.
“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff
like that. Fruit-flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the
peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store,
wanting to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint
Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions, and felt like he had dipped
them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.
Mr. Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads-up. It’s definitely not good to
put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a V with his hands
and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.
Dove covered her eyes and tried to defend herself because now she could hear the
sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.
Dove’s mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For
vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter.
▴B&N ➜ TBA
There are a lot of eyes in Debra Anastasia’s house in Maryland. First, her own creepy
peepers are there, staring at her computer screen. She’s made two more sets of eyes with her body, and the kids they belong to are amazing. The poor husband is still looking at her after 17 years of marriage. At least he likes to laugh. Then the freaking dogs are looking at her—six eyeballs altogether, though the old dog is blind. And the cat watches her too, mostly while knocking stuff off the counter and doing that internal kitty laugh when Deb can’t catch the items fast enough.
Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynzaule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!) You can find her at DebraAnastasia.com and on Twitter @Debra_Anastasia. But be prepared...